An Empty Nest in my Heart...

I don’t remember when I first met J. I do remember the last time I saw her alive though. I had worked with her for 3 years, and she was about to graduate from 8^th grade. I was 8 months pregnant and she and her older sister, who I had also worked with, were taking bets on whether or not I was going to have a boy or a girl. I remember vividly her beaming smile, saying, “It’s a girl, Dr. B. I know it!” She will never know she was right. J. was always one of my favorite students. I know we aren’t supposed to have favorites, but there are some kids who just make a little nest in your heart. I always held a special place for J.

She was, by no means, a quiet and compliant girl. She personified sassiness and she spoke her mind. Like many middle school kiddos, she sometimes didn’t know when it was a good time to speak her mind, and she got in trouble. I have always liked working with brazen, saucy young ladies like J. though. I feel they have leadership potential written all over them. As such, she was “nominated” in 6^th grade to be a part of my "Talent Group." She was one of the few girls in my group who demonstrated true empathy for other girls. I remember one day, the whole group, except J., ganged up on this one girl and started telling her off. The girl sat there, quietly crying and J. was the one to stop it. She said, “Guys, think of what it is like for her right now to have everyone gang up on her. I wouldn’t like that and neither would any of you.” I was taken aback at her maturity and expressiveness.

Over the years, J. would breeze in and out of my life at the middle school. I always enjoyed our chats in the hall or at lunch. When she needed more support for her challenges in school, I had the chance to work with her one-on-one and get to know her even better. She loved to dance and jump rope.

J. was shot and killed while walking on the street last Sunday afternoon with a group of friends and her sister. Police believe she was caught in gun crossfire. She was the 12^th young person to be killed by gun violence in my city in 2012. Typically, when I hear news reports of shootings, I hear the age of the victim and wonder if it will be one of my students. This is the first time it was.

On the heels of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, this is beyond heartbreaking. It is a sad realization that there are dozens of kids killed by guns in the inner city where I work every year, and in inner cities across the country. And every one of the victims is somebody’s baby. Instead of crawling into a hole of depression and keeping my daughter safe at home for the rest of her life, I am trying to help make change. 

In the period of 2 weeks following the shooting in Connecticut, my Facebook page was filled with posts ranging from outrage and grief to demands for gun control. I had hope that this shooting was the last straw for people and that we would finally take the route of countries like Australia, whose gun control measures have reduced gun-related deaths by over 50%. However, this week, people are posting pictures of their pot stickers they had for lunch and the funny things their co-workers are doing. The outrage and grief may not be gone, but it is fading from our collective attention span. I totally get it. I’d rather think about happy things too. But when mothers and fathers have to live life without their child for no good reason, I think we have a responsibility to act.

And you all know I rarely get political on this blog, but for those who share my desire for gun control, I would like to recommend joining the Facebook Page “One Million Moms For Gun Control.”  They post things you can do if you believe in sensible gun control policies. Like many of you, following the Sandy Hook shooting, I deeply wanted change--more mental health and less guns--, but I only talked about it with my husband and friends. After joining the group, in two minutes, I was able to email my representatives. And each day, I have gentle reminders on my feed that I can do something other than be disgusted that we live in a society where children are gunned down in their homes, streets, and schools.  You don’t have to be a mom to join the group. And it gives me a small glimmer of hope that there are tens of millions of moms in the country that could make an impact. Maybe this group can do what MADD did for raising awareness about drunk driving.

There was only one J. And she will always be in my heart. I wish I had something more profound to say. I just feel heartbroken, once again. Something has to change.

 

All finished!

I typically end the year with a "Year in Review" post, and re-post links to the most popular blog posts of 2012 by month, but this year, not so much...I shamefully only wrote 19 posts all year. I am going down a blog shame spiral.

But in my defense, I did spend most of the year raising a small human, teaching her to do basically everything and helping to set the blueprint for all her future relationships. It's no small task, raising a small one! So most of my highlights of 2012 were not professional, but personal. Seeing Baby B cross mid-line and visually track an object for the first time, her first signs (shockingly, not "more" or "milk," or "all finished," but the very useful "gorilla" and "hat"--for all those times you want to say, "Hey mama! Look at that gorilla wearing a hat!" but you are pre-verbal and have to use sign), her first "real words," first steps, and first text-to-self connection (not text like I'm texting you, but like text as in literature-text connections. Yes, I count My First Shapes and Colors as literature). So many wonderful "firsts" came from Toddler B. Yes, she is no longer my Baby B. The official transition from baby to toddler was marked by the time she melted flat as a pancake in puddle of tears in the middle of the sidewalk because she wanted to walk in the street and I wouldn't let her. Mean mommy.

Professionally, I grew as a school psychologist, not by any workshop or event at my job, but because I now have some first hand experience with how nuanced parenting is. There are "easy" suggestions from others that you apply to your own kid and they just don't work without a lot of tweaking to the situation. For example..."Just let them cry it out!" Riiiiiiight. Well what do you do when they cry so hard they throw up? Hmmm? What about when they fall asleep standing up, cheek pressed on the edge of their crib? Nuance. Very important. I have become a better listener to what parents have tried already and under what circumstances they experience success.

Finally, I know that 2012 is also a year marked by the tragedy in Newtown.  I know that America's attention span is like that of a gnat, but I hope that people don't lose momentum on pushing for sensible reforms to make our kids and educators more safe.

So with that, I say goodbye to 2012--the good and the bad. Or as my daughter would say (as she did the second she sat on Santa's lap via sign language) ALL FINISHED! I wish everyone a wonderful new year...and as always, thanks for reading.

I Can’t Stop Thinking About It.

I wrote this the day after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. I couldn’t finish it until today…

I first reacted to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting as a mom of a 15 month old little girl. Though she is not old enough to go to school yet, I still pictured her, 6 years old, with pigtails, wearing a pink dress and tights, excitedly carrying a backpack with a gorilla on it--her favorite animal.  I transposed myself as one of those parents, frantically looking for my daughter after hearing the news. I imagined the horror of waiting and waiting, only to find out my baby was murdered. I’ve been trying to stop my mind from going to that dark and unfathomable place, but I can’t. And I just hug my baby girl so tightly. She looks up at me with such innocence, happily doing the sign language sign for “gorilla!” in an effort to get me to read her favorite book, and I am saddened again at how this community’s children have lost their innocence forever. And every kid who hears about this has lost a part of his or her innocence as well. I want to snap freeze my daughter at this age and never expose her to cruel realities in the world. I want her biggest concern to be whether or not I remembered to give her her gorilla at nap time. I know I can't shelter her forever. I just want to.

 

I then reacted as a school psychologist. What would I have done if I were at that school that day? Would I have thrown myself in front of the shooter, as the brave school psychologist and principal did? I replay the scene in my head, happening in my school, and processing how to make it not happen. I replay it at my other school, with a different cast of characters, planning out how to prevent it. I then play it in my head from the little information I know about the campus at Sandy Hook. Each time, I think of how I could protect the children. I am sure the school psychologist acted on her instinct to protect. It’s what we do. I can only imagine if I would have done the same. No one knows such things for sure. 

My job as a school psychologist has exposed me to the dark underbelly of under-resourced schools and an overly-armed community. I have worked with kids who have murdered. I have worked with kids who I fear will murder someone without proper mental health services. I have called the police when there are kids with guns outside my school, only to have them say they’re too busy to come unless shots have been fired. I have found guns in backpacks of 11 year olds, because kids are afraid of walking to school. I have seen chronically traumatized kids come to school, numb to the near daily gunfire in their neighborhoods. I have seen mental health cut from our schools. I have been in districts where school psychologists, social workers, and counselors have impossibly high caseloads. I have lived through lockdowns at our schools, where gun violence on the streets threatens our safety in school. I have seen gun violence strike in all communities, including in my home state of Colorado.  And this week, I have seen the footage of parents in Connecticut burying their children and my heart breaks.

I also reacted as a sister and friend. My sister is a principal, and I have so many wonderful teacher friends. I know every one of them is a hero, and not just in times of extreme crises. The teachers at Sandy Hook showed us all what true heros teachers really are. It is humbling to know that in our society, our teachers literally would take a bullet for our kids. So can we stop bashing on them and blaming them for societal ills please? Can we take pause and reflect on how amazing these people are? Can we treat them with the respect they deserve, instead of demanding more and more from them and not giving them any resources with which to do more?

Finally, I am now reacting as a citizen. I feel pressed to do more. Do something. Anything. I know that “More mental health and less guns please” is a battle cry I’ve had in my heart for a long time. It’s simple, and I know it lacks the nuance and complexity of the issues, but it is from that basic premise I think we can make reasonable changes in our society.

I can only hope that the public rises up and asks our government to do more to protect our kids. Like President Obama said, “ Our first task is caring for our children. It’s our first job. If we don’t get that right, we don’t get anything right.”

From the Mouths of Babes...What is a School Psychologist?

Happy School Psychology Awareness Week! (SPAW! SPAW!)*

 

Our profession is a difficult one to explain. When I tell people I'm a school psychologist, I often get "Oh, you're a counselor!" Then, in order to avoid taking up that person's hour with all the roles of a school psychologist, I simply say, "Kind of! But more like if a counselor and a teacher had a baby. And that baby grew up and helped figure out what is getting in the way of learning for students and works with students, parents, and teachers to develop and implement a plan." And because this year's SPAW theme is knowing your strengths, I'm going to add that I help figure out what is getting in the way of learning and what is helping learning. And how zeitgeisty am I for picking my new school resolution to do a strengths survey? Toot toot! (my own horn).

In honor of this week (which I actually remembered this year!) I asked my lovely Facebook Page school psychologists what kids have said about what it is we do. Here's a sample of the responses.

I love.

• You're the lady that reads people's minds! 
•  The one who comes in and takes kids when they don't do their work.
• One of my kiddos I tutor told me that I was the person who "made sure she wasn't forgotten".
• School psychs "do plans to help kids." 
• One kid asked me if I could move things with my mind.
• "They 'testis' kids with the 'Wiscer' 4."
• I asked my 6 year old son: "They be nice to each other every night and they do nice kind things for kids and teachers. Ya know - that kinda stuff."
• Several third graders recently asked the learning specialist, "Who is that girl?" (referring to me). She said, "Oh, that is the school psych." and one kid said, "Oh, the person who digs up bones?" and then the other kid said, "The school psychopath? I didn't know our school had one of those!" She came to tell me this later - it totally made my day. Sometimes I feel like the school psychopath...
• I've had a preschool boy say "Hello, Officer" to me several times this week. It must have been the Teacher-I mean School Psych-Look I gave him when he was acting out during nap time a few days earlier.
• I had students obviously trying to discuss and decide who I was, then one asked, "You're a spy aren't you?!"
• One time I had a few kids refer to me as being with the FBI because I kept "snooping" around in their classroom taking notes and observing everyone
• The answer I get most often is "they help people." Yes, we do!
• Several times kids asked me if I owned the school.
• "Helps special needs kids and helps out teachers when they need a little help"-- says my savvy son!
• The "brain teacher".
• I have been called the "behavior police" and the "thumbs up lady"
• I've heard kiddos say that our school psychologist's job is: "to type on the computer all day" and "the school counselor's assistant"
•  I had a kid tell me last year I was, "The lady for when you're sad."

And my personal favorite:

• "The teacher that walks around the school!"

 So as you are walking around the school this week, feel proud of all the things you do--spy, help, dig up bones, type, teach about the brain, own the school, and give the Wiscer 4! Or keep it simple...as one of my kiddos said when I asked what a school psychologist does, "I don't know, but I think they love kids."

Indeed.

*Every year. I cannot help myself from cawing like a bird when I say it's "SPAW." 

Five!

Today is an important day. I'm certain it is on your calendar....

It's my FIVE YEAR BLOGIVERSARY!

What better way to celebrate than to post a picture of a meerkat wishing me a happy day? I think that's a meerkat, anyway.

Now is the time when I reflect on my writing craft or something, right? I'll just put it this way: I cannot believe that all y'all are still reading after five years, and that I've had something decent to say for half a decade. Not to be all toot! toot! (my own horn), but I'm pretty dang proud of myself. It sounds cliche, but I truly would not be still blogging if it weren't for all my fabulous readers and "likers" on the Facebook page for the blog. You all continue to inspire me and your comments and support are like blogger crack. Can't get enough.

I remember when I first started posting into the ether, I would be fearful of pushing the "publish" button, in case someone was going to be critical of my writing. I would write, rewrite, fact check, cite others, and rewrite again. I rarely wrote about anything controversial. I could relate to kids who didn't want their teachers to read their writing. Writing is the personal made public. Over the years, I've grown to be more true to my writing and put things out there even if they aren't safe, warm and fuzzy, or let's face it, not even remotely poignant.*

I think of the evolution of the blog over the past 5 year as similar to the evolution of group therapy--at first, it's about the content, and then its really more about the process. I try to balance a bit of both, giving you all some good content through research and resources while still remaining true to the hardest part of being a school psychologist--that despite having the knowledge, good intentions, and energy, there are times when the process wears you down. But like my baby-not-so-baby-anymore who is learning to walk could teach us all, when you fall flat on your face and are laying there like an injured pancake, you just gotta get back up and try again. Each fall is a learning moment. And I thank you for being with me during my career as I share with you both the successes and pancake-like falls in my journey in the profession of school psychology.

So in the spirit of keeping you all coming back for the next 5 years, I offer to you a Blogiversary gift of another give-a-way of my book, The School Psychologist's Survival Guide! Just comment here or on Facey Face about anything on your mind--meerkats, blogiversaries, lessons from the field, how long you've been reading the blog, thoughts on the blog's next five years, the writing process, or survival tips for your colleagues. It's a free-for-all, people. I just want to hear from you. :) I'll order your comments and use a random number generator to pick us another winner. Good luck!

And seriously, thanks so much for reading these past five years.


*There is still a part of me that fears my blog will jump the shark and I will be writing to crickets. Until you all drop off the Facebook Fan Page though, I'm just gonna keep going.

Tweeeeeet! We have a winner.

Hello my fellow tweety birds! I loved my first twitter contest (@studentsgrow) because I got to read why all y'all NEEEEEEEDED to win the School Psychologist Basket o' Survival. I wish I had a basket for everyone, you folks need it! Loved seeing what posts resonated with you all as well. My fav shout out was from Krista:

@MissCellaneousy:  One of my (related) favorite posts - Day in the Life of SP ... bc 6 minutes to wait for a hot pocket is just TOO long @studentsgrow

Yes, 6 minutes for lunch is terribly luxurious for our profession, dontchathink? ;) Well, one lucky reader will get the Basket o' Survival, which is equipped with high protein on-the-go snacks as well as my book,  "The School Psychologist's Survival Guide," which will help with time management to carve out time for lunch. Using the random number generator, the winner is.....

 

Kassandra Aristizabl @k_aristizabal

She recently tweeted she loved getting packages, so her wish has been fulfilled (as soon as I can wrangle a newly walking Baby B and get to the post office, of course)! Kassandra, private message me on Twitter with your address so I can get you your prize!

All non-Kassandras, don't cry. Mama will be doing another giveaway for my 5 Year Blogaversary in October. And fret not, twitter-phobes, you won't have to join to enter in this one. :)

You Want This Prize.

Ah, back to school....how are we all doing? Things are gettin' real, right? No more icebreakers and settling in, it's go time for school psychologists. You start having days at your school site where everything that could go wrong does and you run around putting out a hojillion fires and then you look at the clock, ready for lunch and its 3pm.

That is why all school psychologists neeeeeeeed a survival kit. Now is your chance to get one free! That's right, for just Free-99 you can win this Basket O' Survival!*

What do you get in your Basket O' Survival?

-An autographed copy of my book, The School Psychologist's Survival Guide!

-Pencils (seriously, where do they all go?)

-Crayons (classic)

-Peet's Coffee (it's the strongest in the world, I think)

-A bottle of Ibuprofin (you just need this on some days, am I right?) 

-Hand sanitizer (for those great moments when a kid waits until halfway through testing to say, "I think I have pink eye/lice/the flu/strep!")

-Margarita Mix  Sorry, inappropriate! You'll have to sponsor your own happy hour.

-A pack of trail mix for when it's 2:29 pm and you haven't had lunch yet and you have an IEP meeting in one minute. Easy to snarf down on the go for quick protein.

-Stickers and a reward chart (for the little friends who need a little extra sumthin' sumthin' to get through the Test of Auditory Perceptual Skills or the CTOPP).

You want this Basket, right?!? How do you get it? Enter my Twitter contest! Each of the following things will enter you into the contest, and then I will count them up and use my random number generator to pick the winner on September 15th, 2012:

1) Follow me on Twitter @studentsgrow and post why you neeeeeeed the School Psychologist's Survival Guide Basket. Be sure to tag me in the tweet at @studentsgrow. If you are already a follower, the just post n' tag.

2) Post a link of you favorite post from the history of the blog on twitter to your followers and tag me @studentsgrow.

Go forth and enter to win! Your very survival depends on it!

*Thanks to Musings of An Urban Psychologist for the fab idea to put my book in a basket of other survival goodies!