I have been inspired by a fellow school psychologist to go to the gym before work. She goes at like 5am and at first I felt like she was a crazy person, but now I get it. One benefit is obviously good cardiovascular health, but let's face it, that's not the reason I set my alarm early 3 days a week now. The true benefit is I feel like I can be that Braggy Bragerson gal who says casually, “Oh, I work out before work to get it out of the way,” like it’s totally easy. That and the endorphins. Truthfully, it’s so not easy to convince yourself to get up almost 2 hours before you have to normally get up to go. But now, I’m totally hooked. I love coming home and not having to talk myself into going to the gym. Because truth be told, I’m totally wiped out after work. Husband knows that I need like 30 minutes of silence when I get home, since I have been talking and choosing my words carefully all day long. Any conversation about what came in the mail, which contractor is coming to the house when, and important dinner decisions come after I have relaxed alone for a few minutes.
The only drawback to my work out before work plan (besides the obvious driving to the gym and actually working out) is that they have horrible TV at my gym and there is no escaping it. There are 10 televisions telling me how dangerous and tragic the world is (aka, the news). What offends me at the gym is that I have to look at the worst 15% of humanity on the morning news shows, 100% of my workout. A sample from this morning’s workout included war, murder, fires, kidnappings, and even DEADLY COCONUTS falling from trees in Indonesia. And I simply cannot stop myself from reading the horrible financial news ticker. Why? Why can’t I avert my eyes? Why do all the machines point at the news? It totally kills my endorphin buzz and is not a good start to my day, where I go on to deal with tragedies in public education and the community. I’m full of vicarious trauma before I even get to work. Boo.
Today, however, I found a solution. It is much better than my original thought of getting those visual blinders horses have on their faces so traffic and the world isn’t so scary. Not a good look. I found one machine on the veeeeerry end of the gym that points toward a TV that has only teen sitcoms. Ahhhh. The soothing mild drama of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Charmed is much better for starting my day. I learn something every day. Sure, it’s almost always “Careful what you wish for!” but its better for my psyche than “Our world is going to hell and by the way, look out for deadly coconuts!”
If we're not careful, like watching the news, we can get jaded into thinking there is no good news in education or in our jobs. As school psychologists are well aware, no one refers kids who are doing well to us. "Hey, you're excelling and feeling great about yourself--go see Dr. B right away!" Not so much. We see the most severe 15% of the school population 100% of the time, which can leave one thinking that every child has issues if you don’t check yourself.
I solved my endorphin buzz kill at the gym. Now if only I could find time in my day to see how the other 85% of the students NOT referred to me are doing to keep positive...Do share your strategies! Just don't say go to the gym EVERY day. Mama needs her sleep sometimes.
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Saturday, 13 November 2010
School Psychology Awareness Week:Wednesdaythursdayfriday
How appropriate that in School Psychology Awareness Week (SPAW!) I didn’t have any time to write anything until Saturday afternoon. Indeed, it was a long Wednesdaythursdayfriday this week. Being a school psychologist is kind of like taking a tour of Europe in 5 days. As in, if its Tuesday, this must be my elementary school, and if its Wednesday, I must be in my middle school. Many times, it is all Wednesdaythursdayfriday to me though. If I didn’t have my iPhone I would die of executive functioning overload trying to get everywhere I’m supposed to be.
ANYHOO, since Wednesdaythursdayfriday was all one day, here are the high and low-lights:
Cold Pricklies
-One of my little poppits lost her English Language Development support intervention because the gal who was working with her got held up at gunpoint outside of the school and (not surprisingly) has not ever come back. I don’t blame her if she never does.
-Everyone is getting sick. The kids, the teachers, the parents. Sick. Sick. Sick. And now I’m really channeling Emma from Glee with my giant antibacterial hand sanitizer and obsessive hand washing. I cannot get sick. I have too much to do. So I pop Vitamin-C and never share a pen with anyone. It’s not very collegial, but I don’t care. I know my pens are safe. Perhaps I can install an apparatus in my office doorway like they have at the airport security where it puffs air on your whole body, only it would be puffing Lysol? I am full of great ideas this week (see Nose Scarf idea from Tuesday).
-Speaking of climate control…I have 3 reports I had to finish this week. I finished one and a half and have to write the rest on my weekend. One problem was that I could see my breath as I typed the reports in my office and I couldn’t focus. I did think to bring mittens, but they are very slippery to type with. I feel another invention coming on (or a trip to Target for a space heater).
-One of my older yoots I’ve been counseling for 2 years got expelled from school for possessing and selling drugs on campus. We have been talking for two years about ways to avoid turning into his father, brother, and uncle and every cousin in gangs. He is a talented musician and we were working so hard on planning a life outside of crime and gangs. It’s so insidious and rage making to me how hard it is to break the cycle.
Warm Fuzzies
-One of my “frequent flyers” to the principal’s office last year hasn’t been all year! He got recognized at our support staff meeting. His reason for improving? “Well, you know how sometimes kids just mature? That’s me.” I die.
- People actually attended my evening presentation on bullying. On a GLEE night, mind you. That’s dedication. I wove the relational aggression in Glee into the talk, to ease the pain of missing it. Thank goodness for TiVo. Loved loved loved Glee on Tuesday. I aspire to dress like the counselor, Emma. I also aspire to only have one school and a plush office with awesome brochures like hers.
-PTA bought one of my schools lunch on a day I had failed to bring my lunch and was frantically wondering all morning how far I’d have to drive to get a lunch not at a liquor store because nothing else is near my school. Had a hot meal at school for the first time in ages.
-One of my most…erm….dramatic poppits is really losing it this semester. I’m on year three of counseling with her. She is always focused and kind during session, and then she lets loose in the big world. The other day, she was kicked out of her class and she came to me and asked if she could “do mindfulness”. We did almost 30 minutes of deep breathing and visualization and at the end, she said, “Okay, I can go back to class, I feel like normal me again.” And after reflecting on my week, full of ups and downs, I hold on to these small victories and warm fuzzy moments with students to feel like normal school psychologist me again for next week’s adventures.
ANYHOO, since Wednesdaythursdayfriday was all one day, here are the high and low-lights:
Cold Pricklies
-One of my little poppits lost her English Language Development support intervention because the gal who was working with her got held up at gunpoint outside of the school and (not surprisingly) has not ever come back. I don’t blame her if she never does.
-Everyone is getting sick. The kids, the teachers, the parents. Sick. Sick. Sick. And now I’m really channeling Emma from Glee with my giant antibacterial hand sanitizer and obsessive hand washing. I cannot get sick. I have too much to do. So I pop Vitamin-C and never share a pen with anyone. It’s not very collegial, but I don’t care. I know my pens are safe. Perhaps I can install an apparatus in my office doorway like they have at the airport security where it puffs air on your whole body, only it would be puffing Lysol? I am full of great ideas this week (see Nose Scarf idea from Tuesday).
-Speaking of climate control…I have 3 reports I had to finish this week. I finished one and a half and have to write the rest on my weekend. One problem was that I could see my breath as I typed the reports in my office and I couldn’t focus. I did think to bring mittens, but they are very slippery to type with. I feel another invention coming on (or a trip to Target for a space heater).
-One of my older yoots I’ve been counseling for 2 years got expelled from school for possessing and selling drugs on campus. We have been talking for two years about ways to avoid turning into his father, brother, and uncle and every cousin in gangs. He is a talented musician and we were working so hard on planning a life outside of crime and gangs. It’s so insidious and rage making to me how hard it is to break the cycle.
Warm Fuzzies
-One of my “frequent flyers” to the principal’s office last year hasn’t been all year! He got recognized at our support staff meeting. His reason for improving? “Well, you know how sometimes kids just mature? That’s me.” I die.
- People actually attended my evening presentation on bullying. On a GLEE night, mind you. That’s dedication. I wove the relational aggression in Glee into the talk, to ease the pain of missing it. Thank goodness for TiVo. Loved loved loved Glee on Tuesday. I aspire to dress like the counselor, Emma. I also aspire to only have one school and a plush office with awesome brochures like hers.
-PTA bought one of my schools lunch on a day I had failed to bring my lunch and was frantically wondering all morning how far I’d have to drive to get a lunch not at a liquor store because nothing else is near my school. Had a hot meal at school for the first time in ages.
-One of my most…erm….dramatic poppits is really losing it this semester. I’m on year three of counseling with her. She is always focused and kind during session, and then she lets loose in the big world. The other day, she was kicked out of her class and she came to me and asked if she could “do mindfulness”. We did almost 30 minutes of deep breathing and visualization and at the end, she said, “Okay, I can go back to class, I feel like normal me again.” And after reflecting on my week, full of ups and downs, I hold on to these small victories and warm fuzzy moments with students to feel like normal school psychologist me again for next week’s adventures.
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
School Psychology Awareness Week: OMG it’s Only Tuesday
Today I am continuing the Day in the Life of a School Psychologist series for School Psychology Awareness Week, aka SPAW (I love that acronym, being one off from SPAWN and making us seem kind of evil).
I cannot believe it is only Tuesday. Here we go:
7:30am: Student Success Team meeting. Yes, at 7:30am. I know I’m an early bird and all, but it’s a little early for problem-solving, right? We talk about a kid who has had reading intervention forever and is not progressing. I am thankful this school has a lot of reading interventions. It makes my decision to proceed with testing so much easier. This one is a slam dunk. He’s gonna be one of my customers so we can see if he has a learning disability.
8:30am: Look in mailbox at school and pull out one week’s worth of notes. As I’m thumbing through them, I overhear one of my darlings say, “Where are the forms for getting the principal fired?” Oh dear. We have a brief discussion about the issue troubling him, and he is calm enough to be shipped off to class. I cross my fingers.
9:00: Speech pathologist and I ro-shom-bo (sp?) for who uses the office today. I win. Tomorrow, she wins. I ask her if she is going to use the pen today (we have one pen) and she proudly pulls one out of her purse and says she brought her own today.
9:15: Of all the times, the freakin' School Superintendent walks by as we are discussing this. I think of asking for a pen budget, but instead give my 20 second speech on the importance of having school psychologists on site more than a half day a week so we can really help students be ready to learn. Somewhere, the people who created SPAW are crying a tear of joy. Superintendent agrees mental health is important. We’ll see if the budget agrees when we get our next round of budget cuts.
9:30-10: Start to write report from testing I did two weeks ago. I’m so behind on writing. Plus, its so hard to focus when its so cold I can’t feel my nose. They haven’t turned the heat on yet. I forgot my portable space heater.
10:00-10:15: Teacher comes in a presents me with EIGHT pens! EIGHT! She read my Facey Face Fan Page post last night about my pen sharing woes. I also ask her if she thinks there is a market for a nose-scarf. It would be like a clown nose, only I’d knit just a little nose sweater of sorts. It wouldn't be as cumbersome as a scarf, but it would stay nicely on the nose. She wants one for Christmas.
10:15: Surprise parent visit. We talk for an hour about ways to support the student. Just kidding about finishing that report today, I guess.
11:15: Counseling session with a student with lots of worries. We talk about how negative predictions make us feel sad or worried, and we draw crystal balls and crumble them up to show how we often don’t have evidence that something bad is going to happen.
12:00-12:30: Lunch. I know! A real lunch! This school is totally bonded and all the teachers and staff actually eat together. Its relatively free of talk about kids. It’s a nice break. Though in this half hour, I schedule 4 meetings and pop them in my iPhone. No, I love YOU more, iPhone.
12:30-2:00: Train middle school kids in a cross-age peer tutoring program where they teach reading to 1st graders. I am strategic and pick kids who need help with their own reading. Mwa ha ha (evil laugh) I have tricked you all into a reading intervention, in a way. But if they feel confident in reading to little ones, they may feel more confident overall. And practice is practice, even if it is early reading material. It counts, and the kids love it.
2:00-3:00: Massive flurry of “check ins”—kids who don’t necessarily need counseling, but need a check in to make sure they are doing okay. Scrawl down notes about check ins. Documenting is one of the main habits school psychs have to get into. If you don't write it down, it didn't happen. Plus when you have 4 school sites to juggle, you want to make sure you don't forget any of the details.
3:00-4:00: I’m totally exhausted but have passed my window of having an afternoon coffee without being up all night. Curses. I work on the dreaded report again. Its one of 8 I need to write before T-give break. One down...I am ready to print. GAH. No toner. No printing satisfaction today. Ah well, It’s all in a day’s work, and I go home…
….Just kidding! I’m not done. I am presenting at the school tonight for parents on preventing bullying and I need to put together final details of my presentation. I think I will have that coffee after all…
Happy School Psychology Awareness Week! May it be full of warm fuzzies, new pens, toner-filled printers, and a temperate climate in your workspace.
Mwah!
I cannot believe it is only Tuesday. Here we go:
7:30am: Student Success Team meeting. Yes, at 7:30am. I know I’m an early bird and all, but it’s a little early for problem-solving, right? We talk about a kid who has had reading intervention forever and is not progressing. I am thankful this school has a lot of reading interventions. It makes my decision to proceed with testing so much easier. This one is a slam dunk. He’s gonna be one of my customers so we can see if he has a learning disability.
8:30am: Look in mailbox at school and pull out one week’s worth of notes. As I’m thumbing through them, I overhear one of my darlings say, “Where are the forms for getting the principal fired?” Oh dear. We have a brief discussion about the issue troubling him, and he is calm enough to be shipped off to class. I cross my fingers.
9:00: Speech pathologist and I ro-shom-bo (sp?) for who uses the office today. I win. Tomorrow, she wins. I ask her if she is going to use the pen today (we have one pen) and she proudly pulls one out of her purse and says she brought her own today.
9:15: Of all the times, the freakin' School Superintendent walks by as we are discussing this. I think of asking for a pen budget, but instead give my 20 second speech on the importance of having school psychologists on site more than a half day a week so we can really help students be ready to learn. Somewhere, the people who created SPAW are crying a tear of joy. Superintendent agrees mental health is important. We’ll see if the budget agrees when we get our next round of budget cuts.
9:30-10: Start to write report from testing I did two weeks ago. I’m so behind on writing. Plus, its so hard to focus when its so cold I can’t feel my nose. They haven’t turned the heat on yet. I forgot my portable space heater.
10:00-10:15: Teacher comes in a presents me with EIGHT pens! EIGHT! She read my Facey Face Fan Page post last night about my pen sharing woes. I also ask her if she thinks there is a market for a nose-scarf. It would be like a clown nose, only I’d knit just a little nose sweater of sorts. It wouldn't be as cumbersome as a scarf, but it would stay nicely on the nose. She wants one for Christmas.
10:15: Surprise parent visit. We talk for an hour about ways to support the student. Just kidding about finishing that report today, I guess.
11:15: Counseling session with a student with lots of worries. We talk about how negative predictions make us feel sad or worried, and we draw crystal balls and crumble them up to show how we often don’t have evidence that something bad is going to happen.
12:00-12:30: Lunch. I know! A real lunch! This school is totally bonded and all the teachers and staff actually eat together. Its relatively free of talk about kids. It’s a nice break. Though in this half hour, I schedule 4 meetings and pop them in my iPhone. No, I love YOU more, iPhone.
12:30-2:00: Train middle school kids in a cross-age peer tutoring program where they teach reading to 1st graders. I am strategic and pick kids who need help with their own reading. Mwa ha ha (evil laugh) I have tricked you all into a reading intervention, in a way. But if they feel confident in reading to little ones, they may feel more confident overall. And practice is practice, even if it is early reading material. It counts, and the kids love it.
2:00-3:00: Massive flurry of “check ins”—kids who don’t necessarily need counseling, but need a check in to make sure they are doing okay. Scrawl down notes about check ins. Documenting is one of the main habits school psychs have to get into. If you don't write it down, it didn't happen. Plus when you have 4 school sites to juggle, you want to make sure you don't forget any of the details.
3:00-4:00: I’m totally exhausted but have passed my window of having an afternoon coffee without being up all night. Curses. I work on the dreaded report again. Its one of 8 I need to write before T-give break. One down...I am ready to print. GAH. No toner. No printing satisfaction today. Ah well, It’s all in a day’s work, and I go home…
….Just kidding! I’m not done. I am presenting at the school tonight for parents on preventing bullying and I need to put together final details of my presentation. I think I will have that coffee after all…
Happy School Psychology Awareness Week! May it be full of warm fuzzies, new pens, toner-filled printers, and a temperate climate in your workspace.
Mwah!
Monday, 8 November 2010
School Psychology Awareness Week: Monday
It's School Psychology Awareness Week! More importantly, I actually remembered this year, unlike the last two years! This year's theme is SHINE. Or something. I'll do my best to shine all week, I promise. This morning, I thought: What better way to shine a light on my illustrious profession than to do another popular "Day in the Life" posting? Tens of people have written me and thanked me for showing them what the profession is really like. You just can't ignore tens of fans.
I have debated if it is good to post a real-live day, as I think this week is supposed to be about positively promoting our profession and all we do. But honestly, some days, all I do is run around hitting proverbial brick walls and readjusting my day. I think maybe showing the frustrating stuff too will help people understand why I always look so frazzled.* So, I bring you, in the name of School Psychology Awareness, my day today:
6:00 am: Workout at gym before work. I had to throw that in to be a smug pre-work worker outer. Seek comfort that it doesn't happen every day. Daylight savings gave me an extra hour. We'll see how long it lasts.
7:00 am: Gather up 8 hojillion folders and test kits.
7:30 am: Assemble “urban camping” pack. There are no grocery stores, places to eat, or places to purchase items other than liquor and hot chips anywhere near my schools. Must bring non perishable snacks because fridge is broken at one school site. Also, no microwavable stuff because some sites’ microwaves are circa 1982 and they frighten me. Office space could be 10 degrees or 100 degrees. Dress in layers. Again, like camping, one must be prepared for shelter and food needs.
8:00 am: Drive to School A to test students for three year reviews of their special education programs at a non-public school (special schools for kids who have bounced out of general school programs and need a higher level of care) . One kid absent, one kid tried to scale 8 foot fence to get away from me/my testing, one kid refuses. And I think I just got some good information about how they’re doing, even though I didn't get to see them.
8-9am: Drive to School B, waaaaaaaay across town. Listen to Spanish podcast and practice past tense verbs. Good info for my Spanish dual-immersion school, where I currently use only the present tense because it’s the one I know. I’m sure the Spanish-speaking parents think I’m very Zen and present.
9am: Arrive at School B with 5 other professionals to hold team meeting about a student with an intellectual disability. This meeting has been overdue for months. Parent doesn’t show up. Again. This is why the meeting is so overdue. It reflects badly on my performance numbers down with the Powers That Be at the special education department. But what are you going to do? Reschedule.
10am: Since it’s my 10th year of working in the pubic schools, I suspected our meeting may not go forward as planned, so just in case, I packed my bag for Plan B—testing a student at School B. Being a school psych requires mad executive functioning skills.
11am: Head to main office to get student. Director of school introduces herself to me even though I’ve worked at this school for 3 years, off and on.
11-12: Director gets a surly teen for me to test. She introduces me as Pamela, even thought I’ve worked there for 3 years, off and on, and have just told her my name. Whatevs. School psychs are constantly re-introducing themselves, because they are often all over the district. Test surly teen for an hour. She is totally not into it until I note she has the same last name as a student at School C who I tested. It’s her cousin. She totally warms up to me and my testing. Score.
12:01: In the middle of testing, giant crashing noise and screaming in hallway begins. Wild cursing and slamming of objects ensues (desk? chair? Hard to tell). Girlfriend I’m testing doesn’t even look up. It is a typical day. This is a school for students who have bounced out of their public schools for, well, this type of event.
12:15: Cops arrive and totally trap my car in the parking lot.
12:45: Glad I packed my urban camping snacks. Munch on trailmix and chat to various staff I needed to check in with.
1:00: Child in crisis now returns to classroom. I note he has a teddy bear earring in his ear, as if to remind everyone he is still a kid. I wonder if he will be one of my customers this year.
1-2: Drive to district office to write reports, because it’s a secret hiding place I go to get work done. It’s a horrible building full of “inspirational” quotes that do not make me forget that I greeted a person diving in our dumpster on the way in, and our school district has shabby facilities. Flying eagle posters are not sufficient to raise my spirits in this dump of a building. For example, I pass a sign that reads, “Air Quality Meeting: Under Stairwell at 2pm”.
2-4: Write reports. It’s kind of boring. I never write about it in my blog, because, well, it’s boring. But it’s a huuuuuge part of my day, every day.
I don’t know if this post does much for PROMOTING school psychology, but it certainly is an accurate portrayal of the stuff that lies between the great moments with children (you know, the good stuff, like teaching the children well, showing them the beauty they possess inside, giving them a sense of pride, letting their laughter remind us of how we used to be, and whatnot.)
Happy School Psychology Awareness Week! Woo hoo!
*Contrary to my head shot for this blog, I typically do not hang out by school busses with perfectly coiffed hair. I know, you're shocked.
Friday, 5 November 2010
I'm a Liar. Sometimes.
I have a confession, people. 28 years ago, I lied.
I told a group of my elementary friends that I saw “Cats” the Broadway musical. All these girls were talking about it and I felt left out. So I said, “I loved it too!” Then, things got hairy (no pun intended). They started asking questions.
Girl: “Which one was your favorite?”
Me: “Um….the black one.”
Another girl: “What was your favorite part?”
Me: “Um…I liked when they were singing.”
I managed to pull it off, and then it went horribly awry.
Girl: “Let’s play Cats at playtime! Which one do you want to be? I'm Grizabella!”
Me: “Um, erm....you pick!”
And it was downhill from there. Oh what a tangled web we weave. I still haven’t seen Cats. Perhaps it is too painful. Perhaps the Cat has my tongue and I can't speak of it, since it reminds me I was a liar. Or, it’s a really old musical and it doesn’t show anywhere anymore.
My good friend over at “Look at my Happy Rainbow!” has a cat story too. As a Kindergarten teacher, he had a class of 5 year olds all lie to his face simulataneously after he told the tale of his one-eyed cat. He thought it would be a rather unique story. The kids begged to differ:
“I have a one-eyed cat too!”
“Me too!”
"So do I!"
“I have TEN cats, all with ONE eye!”
In any event, I bring up cats and finally confess to you all my youthful transgression because I did a presentation last night on why kids lie* and I started thinking about my own experiences.
Last night, after confessing my 28-year-old lie, the group began to question if lying was bad or not. What’s the harm in trying to fit in? So what if everyone is lying about their one-eyed cat? What about white lies to protect people’s feelings? Should we only try to curb kids’ lying when they are trying to get out of trouble?
I was amazed to learn in my research that parents and teachers are only slightly better than chance at detecting if a kid is lying or not. I wonder if psychologists have a higher hit rate. Kids lie to me all the time. Though I usually have the advanced knowledge of what they did before they come into my office, so I cheat. One time, a kid was blatantly caught tagging the school with (duh) his name. He flat out denied it. Said he’d been framed. Only there were like 3 witnesses, and they were reliable sources. I wanted to give the kid the benefit of the doubt, but I didn’t want to be naïve either. I usually find it less important to find out the truth and more important to find out what the underlying issue is that got them in trouble. So I lied. I said, “I’d believe you, if it weren’t for the cameras.” The kid panicked and confessed. I’m a terrible person! I lied to teach him lying is wrong!
Research shows that kids lie mostly to make their parents and teachers feel better, or at least not be angry anymore. They do something bad, then feel bad about it, but don’t want the parent or teacher to be disappointed in them, so they lie. There was a great study in which they set kids up* to peek at a game, by having the examiner leave the room and watch the kid to see if he or she peeks at the answer. When they do, they come back and ask the question and lo and behold, the kid gets it right. They then ask questions like “Did you peek?” and most kids lie. When they say, “I’m going to ask you something, but first, do you promise to tell the truth?” truth telling goes up by 25%. The most powerful one is the question that lets kids know you value honesty: “I am going to ask you something and it will make me very happy if you tell me the truth.” Kids truth-telling increases by 50-75%.
So next time you’re trying to be CSI: Lie Inspecting Unit, or Kyra Sedgewick from The Closer, think about how the kid wants to please you and you might find that they will tell the truth if you emphasize how important it is to you. Oh, and also check yourself when you lie in front of kids. That’s a big one. Those white lies count too. Kids notice when you lie. Don’t let these teachable moments go by—you can teach about how you lied to spare someone’s feelings. Check out this clip from Liar Liar—lying just might be a social skill in a way…I mean, I got to play Cats with my friends, right? No harm there? I mean, in two days, we were playing "Grease" and I had seen that one. I even wore my pink jacket and told the group I had to be Sandy because I was born in Australia. And believe it or not, that wasn't even a lie.***
*From the book “Nurture Shock: New Thinking about Children” by Bronson and Merryman. Great book.
**Oh how psychologists love tricking the children. We lie to research why kids lie. I love it.
***In retrospect, I'm not sure why my elementary school was all about musical theatre.
I told a group of my elementary friends that I saw “Cats” the Broadway musical. All these girls were talking about it and I felt left out. So I said, “I loved it too!” Then, things got hairy (no pun intended). They started asking questions.
Girl: “Which one was your favorite?”
Me: “Um….the black one.”
Another girl: “What was your favorite part?”
Me: “Um…I liked when they were singing.”
I managed to pull it off, and then it went horribly awry.
Girl: “Let’s play Cats at playtime! Which one do you want to be? I'm Grizabella!”
Me: “Um, erm....you pick!”
And it was downhill from there. Oh what a tangled web we weave. I still haven’t seen Cats. Perhaps it is too painful. Perhaps the Cat has my tongue and I can't speak of it, since it reminds me I was a liar. Or, it’s a really old musical and it doesn’t show anywhere anymore.
My good friend over at “Look at my Happy Rainbow!” has a cat story too. As a Kindergarten teacher, he had a class of 5 year olds all lie to his face simulataneously after he told the tale of his one-eyed cat. He thought it would be a rather unique story. The kids begged to differ:
“I have a one-eyed cat too!”
“Me too!”
"So do I!"
“I have TEN cats, all with ONE eye!”
In any event, I bring up cats and finally confess to you all my youthful transgression because I did a presentation last night on why kids lie* and I started thinking about my own experiences.
Last night, after confessing my 28-year-old lie, the group began to question if lying was bad or not. What’s the harm in trying to fit in? So what if everyone is lying about their one-eyed cat? What about white lies to protect people’s feelings? Should we only try to curb kids’ lying when they are trying to get out of trouble?
I was amazed to learn in my research that parents and teachers are only slightly better than chance at detecting if a kid is lying or not. I wonder if psychologists have a higher hit rate. Kids lie to me all the time. Though I usually have the advanced knowledge of what they did before they come into my office, so I cheat. One time, a kid was blatantly caught tagging the school with (duh) his name. He flat out denied it. Said he’d been framed. Only there were like 3 witnesses, and they were reliable sources. I wanted to give the kid the benefit of the doubt, but I didn’t want to be naïve either. I usually find it less important to find out the truth and more important to find out what the underlying issue is that got them in trouble. So I lied. I said, “I’d believe you, if it weren’t for the cameras.” The kid panicked and confessed. I’m a terrible person! I lied to teach him lying is wrong!
Research shows that kids lie mostly to make their parents and teachers feel better, or at least not be angry anymore. They do something bad, then feel bad about it, but don’t want the parent or teacher to be disappointed in them, so they lie. There was a great study in which they set kids up* to peek at a game, by having the examiner leave the room and watch the kid to see if he or she peeks at the answer. When they do, they come back and ask the question and lo and behold, the kid gets it right. They then ask questions like “Did you peek?” and most kids lie. When they say, “I’m going to ask you something, but first, do you promise to tell the truth?” truth telling goes up by 25%. The most powerful one is the question that lets kids know you value honesty: “I am going to ask you something and it will make me very happy if you tell me the truth.” Kids truth-telling increases by 50-75%.
So next time you’re trying to be CSI: Lie Inspecting Unit, or Kyra Sedgewick from The Closer, think about how the kid wants to please you and you might find that they will tell the truth if you emphasize how important it is to you. Oh, and also check yourself when you lie in front of kids. That’s a big one. Those white lies count too. Kids notice when you lie. Don’t let these teachable moments go by—you can teach about how you lied to spare someone’s feelings. Check out this clip from Liar Liar—lying just might be a social skill in a way…I mean, I got to play Cats with my friends, right? No harm there? I mean, in two days, we were playing "Grease" and I had seen that one. I even wore my pink jacket and told the group I had to be Sandy because I was born in Australia. And believe it or not, that wasn't even a lie.***
*From the book “Nurture Shock: New Thinking about Children” by Bronson and Merryman. Great book.
**Oh how psychologists love tricking the children. We lie to research why kids lie. I love it.
***In retrospect, I'm not sure why my elementary school was all about musical theatre.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
