Dance with the Tiger.

Twice this week, I embarrassed myself by making an obscure reference to an obscure part in an obscure film to make a point. Has anyone else besides me and my husband seen Cedar Rapids, starring John C. Reilly and Ed Helms? No? Well then you would have looked at me with the same look these two groups of people did. But I like the analogy, so here you go.

In the soon-to-be-classic film, Cedar Rapids, starring John C. Reilly and Ed Helms, the main characters are insurance agents attending a conference to battle for the prestigious “Two Diamonds” award for excellence. In one scene, John C. Reilly’s character gives Ed Helms’s character advice: that in order to meet his goals, he can either “fight the tiger” or “daaaaaaance with the tiger.” In the context of the movie, it is basically a decision to fight the guy in the jacked up insurance system or work the guy and the system to your advantage.* And it’s funny because John C. Reilly he does so in his underwear and does a tiger dance.



In one case where I embarrassed myself this week, the school staff and district muckidy mucks (sp?) were having a strategy meeting before a highly contentious parent meeting. The parent has had her child assessed three times over the course of the kid’s school history, and each time, the child came up in the intellectually disabled range cognitively (formally known as mentally retarded). She claims that the school district each time has not assessed him properly and further, that she is entitled to a hojillion dollars in compensatory education at the district’s expense for failing to bring him up to state academic standards. Oh, and the child is autistic as well. Like, biting other people autistic. Low and behold, the last assessment also came up with low cognitive scores as well. As the conversation turned to how to fight this mom and her denial, I told the staff, “I think on this one we should daaaaaance with the tiger” and I made a dancing gesture not unlike the one John C. Reilly does.

[Crickets chirp]

So I went on to explain the movie, and then suggested that we might partially validate mom’s concern, without totally caving in. I get denial. Dealing with the truth is painful. Externalizing blame happens. I can’t claim that if I had a severely disabled kiddo that I wouldn’t be a fighting tiger for his or her rights. I’ve never been in that situation, and can empathize with the grief and anger of having an out of control child. I know that some districts do not provide a very good education for some groups of kids. We're not perfect, and we have no money to create perfect programs. But if I were in the parent's situation, I would like to think I would not sue poor urban school districts for a squillion dollars in compensatory education and blame the teachers for my child's disability. One never knows though.

Anyhoo, the mom’s big thing was that her child had untapped potential. And maybe there is untapped potential we can’t see because the kid is off biting and punching people in class. In my post-doc years, I learned a great way to describe the concept of untapped potential in kids with Autism. I had the great fortune to train with the amazing Bryna Siegel, autism guru, and author of The World of the Autistic Child and many others. She explained it something like this:

Each child’s cognitive potential is like a bowl. Some bowls are deeper than others. We can measure cognition in kids without Autism, because they comply with “on demand tasks” (as in, put these blocks together, answer this question right now, finish this puzzle this fast). Kids with Autism (or behavior problems, for that matter) have saran wrap over their bowls. We don’t know how deep the bowl is, because they have trouble performing on demand. The bowls could be very deep and untapped potential is in there, or the bowl could be shallow. We don’t know until we peel the saran wrap off. We peel the saran wrap off by working on the behaviors that are interfering with joint attention.

I proposed that we use the analogy with this mom. That way, we are acknowledging there could be untapped potential, but in order to fully see it, we have to address the behavior and work on “peeling the saran wrap” off. Instead of arguing about how “deep” his cognitive bowl is, we can shift the conversation to helping this kid connect to others and be safe. I am sure this is a mutual goal of the mom. Let’s just hope after the meeting, it looks a little something like this….



Wish me luck. I do want to have a productive and positive meeting. No one likes getting swiped in the face by a tiger mom.

Pink Slips.

Well people, March 15th, the deadline for possible layoffs in the schools has come and gone, and I did not get a letter that I am on the potential pink slip list. I can officially stop stalking my poor mailman. Its a bittersweet moment, because while now I don't have to look for another job and re-title my blog, "Notes from the Former School Psychologist Who Got Stabbed in The Back By the People She Gave 10 Years of Her Life To," there are many of my colleagues who did get the dreaded letter and may not be returning. Some of the best psychologists are our new people, and the policy "last hired, first fired" is causing our department and some of my schools to potentially lose some of the best people.

In my moment of crisis when I wrote this post about the Ides of March drama, I received many wonderful emails from people lending me their support. One such teacher, Nancy, of The Teacher Geek Blog wrote me an email that brought me to tears. She also shared a link to an article she recently wrote about how to deal with being laid off from a school district, and I found it really helpful. So here it is for my colleagues and blog friends who are sadly in this position: Surviving Unemployment:Purgatory.

If anyone else has any tips for our colleagues in limbo with a potential layoff notice, feel free to post them here. The best thing written to me, that I can share is Nancy's quote: "Working in a large urban district, you have already shown that you have amazing resilience. That same resilience will will get you through this."

Holla, Nancy.

I'll Take Questions I am Not Prepared to Answer on the Spot for $800, Alex

I know how you all just love School Psychology Jeopardy, so here you go with the "So Unprepared For This Question" category:

Scene: Recess

Kindergarten kid #1: My daddy's in jail!

Kinder kid #2: My daddy used to be in jail.

Kinder kid #3: My daddy said mommy went to Wal-Mart for a long time. But it was really jail.

Kinder kid #4: Dr. B, what's jail?

Me: [As whole kinder class is now listening] Erm, uh...jail is um.. [I then remember one of the most awesome teachers I know responding to this question last year, and channel her] Well, jail is like time-out for grown ups. When they make a mistake they go to jail and learn how to not make that mistake again.

Wowza. Talk about interesting playground talk, right?

As many of you know, I work in a community where it is common for the poppits I work with to have a parent in jail. It is always a difficult discussion to have with kids, but just because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean we shouldn't have the conversation. Sometimes, teachers, family members, and school psychologists need a little help with finding the right words. The following is an excerpt from the book "What Will Happen to Me?" and I think it does a nice job of outlining how to answer these difficult questions.

Ten Question Often Asked By Children Whose Parents Are In Prison
By Howard Zehr and Lorraine Stutzman Amstutz,
Author of "What Will Happen To Me?"

Children need time to adjust to the separation caused by having a parent in prison. But it takes more than time. As we have heard in their voices, children also need to make sense of what has happened to them and to their parent or parents. Because of this, they have many questions.

Some of the questions they ask are straightforward. But sometimes their questions come out indirectly or in their challenging behavior. Incarcerated parents, as well as caregivers of children or other adults in their lives, often have to answer their uncomfortable questions.

Children who are present when a parent is arrested, especially young children, are usually not told where their parents are being taken, when they will be coming home, or why they have to go away. As time goes on, the children have even more questions.

Our childhood experiences shape much of our adult lives. Children who live with these kinds of questions, many of which are not answered to their satisfaction, experience trauma as a result. Frequently that leads to their general mistrust of authority, especially the legal system. Not having their questions answered can also lead children to blame themselves for their parents' absence or to believe that they are destined to follow in their parents' footsteps.

Here are questions that children whose parents are incarcerated often ask, along with suggestions about how to answer them. We will address some of the questions more fully in later sections of the book.

1) Where is my Mom or Dad?
Parents and caregivers often believe it is best to protect children by not telling them where their mothers or fathers really are. Children may be told that their parents are working in another state, going to school, or serving in the military. Sometimes children are told that their parents are ill and had to go away for special treatment.

Sooner or later children will realize the truth and know they have been lied to. This tends to hurt their relationship with the persons who have told them the untrue stories and can lead to feelings of distrust that affect their other relationships as well.

While the adult who hides painful reality does so believing it is in the best interest of the child, such an action (or inaction) creates a family secret that results in children feeling ashamed. Most childhood experts advise that children be told the truth.

2) When is he or she coming home?
The outcome and schedule of a parent's arrest and/or imprisonment is often uncertain. However, it is important to keep children up-to-date about what parents or caregivers do know. Children need to have concrete information they can deal with, even if it is, "We don't know what will happen yet."

3) Why is she or he in jail or prison?
Sometimes an innocent person is arrested. But when a parent has done wrong, it is important that this wrongdoing is acknowledged. Children need to know that there are consequences when people do things that are against the law or harmful to others.

At the same time, they also need to be reassured that even if someone sometimes does something wrong, it doesn't mean that s/he is necessarily a bad person. While a child's parent may be serving the consequences for something wrong s/he did, the parent is still worthy of love and capable of loving.

A child can learn to trust a caregiver who is honest about what a parent has done wrong. This practice of honesty allows the child to believe other things that the caregiver tells her or him as they progress together on this journey.

4) Can I talk to my mom or dad?
Jails and prisons have specific and often constraining rules about prisoners talking on the phone to their loved ones. Phone calls from prison are often quite expensive and restricted in length. Many times a parent does not have enough money to call home because it is so expensive.

When phone calls are difficult, letters can be especially important. Although young children may find it hard to express themselves through words, they may find it more meaningful to make drawings. As Stacy Bouchet, now an adult, suggests in her reflections, children often treasure the notes and letters they receive from their parents, as she did from her father.

5) When can I see my mom or dad?
It is helpful to explain to children that prisons have specific times for visiting, and their caretakers will get that information so that they can see their loved ones. If a parent is incarcerated at a distance, the child should be prepared for seeing his or her mother or father infrequently.

Some children are angry and do not want to see their parents, or at least they're ambivalent about the possibility. In general, though, it seems important for children to visit their parents as regularly as possible.

Before the first visit, they should be prepared for the circumstances of the visit. The caregiver should explain the security around the prison. The children should also know that there will be limits upon where they can visit and what they can do with their parents.

Most children want to know what their parent's life is like in prison. They may imagine frightening scenarios. Giving them a sense of mundane details of everyday life in prison can be helpful. If the child is interested, a caregiver can encourage the parent to describe his or her cell or room and tell what a normal day is like.

6) Who is going to take care of me?
Children in this situation often feel insecure. It is important to let children know who will be caring for them. If there is uncertainty about their living arrangements, children may need to be told that, but they also need to be reassured that plans for their care are being made and that they will not be abandoned. As much as possible, they need stability in their living situations and their relationships.

7) Do my parents still love me?
When children are separated from their parents, they often worry about whether their parents love and care for them. Most children need reassurance that they are loved by their parents no matter where the children happen to be living and with whom. They also value other loving relationships in their lives, but they still want to know about their parents' interest and love.

8) Is this my fault?
Children often blame themselves for being separated from their parents or even for their parents' misbehavior. They may imagine that if they had behaved better their parents would still be with them. They need reassurance on three fronts: that what happened to their loved one is not their fault, that it happened because that person did something wrong or harmful, and that this does not mean that their parent is a bad person.

9) Why do I feel so sad and angry?
Sadness and anger are children's common responses to a parent's incarceration. But most children do not understand their feelings or the origins of them. It is helpful for them to be reassured that their feelings are normal. Ideally, they can be encouraged to talk about their feelings of sadness or anger. If they cannot talk to their immediate caregivers such as their grandparents, they can be invited to talk to school counselors or social workers or even friends. Children often find it helpful to know other children in similar situations because they can understand each other's feelings. Children who find it hard to articulate their feelings can be encouraged to express them through their drawings or other art work.

10) Can I do something to help?
Children typically feel helpless and responsible. They need to know that their loved ones usually appreciate letters and pictures. They can be encouraged to send them as often as they want to.

The above is an excerpt from the book "What Will Happen To Me?" by Howard Zehr and Lorraine Stutzman Amstutz. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy. Reprinted from What Will Happen to Me?. © by Good Books (www.GoodBooks.com). Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Modeling. So Hot Right Now.

I gotta get out of my Ides of March funk, so here’s a jaunty little post on modeling. My husband and I are the face of Lenscrafters. I realize this is very random and totally not related to school psychology or education, but I’m gonna make the case that it is.

What is advertising all about anyway? Basically, putting people like you with a product and selling an idea that the product is fun, sexy, exciting and you NEED it. Doesn’t our pic here just make you want to run out to Lenscrafters and get yourself some Burberry specs so you can have as much fun as husband and I? Don’t pretend like you don’t ride piggyback on your spouse on the weekends in Union Square in San Francisco loving your life and perfect vision.



Funny thing is, this came out on the first day of our Honeymoon, and we saw it on a billboard in Santa Monica. I hoped it wasn’t too symbolic of our marriage to come, what with me on his back and growling at him (but see how he thinks its fun?).

As I work with kiddos and teachers and parents in the school, I see modeling in action every day. I see kids who are saucy and fun and then I meet their mom, and she is saucy and fun. I see angry kids who blame everyone for their problems, and then the parent does the same thing in a conference. We know that kids learn by watching, but we sometimes forget. I read a great quote once that we shouldn’t be afraid our kids aren’t listening to what we say, we should be afraid that they are watching what we do. TRUE DAT.

Sometimes, I see irony. I hear teachers screaming at kids to use their inside voices. I see staff freaking out and telling their kids to calm down. I see staff treat kids with disrespect and then they are shocked when they get disrespect back. I’m no angel myself, though I pride myself on being pretty unflappable (unless I’m planning a wedding, when I go from Bride-Chilla to Bride-Zilla in the span of a day). I tend to remain calm in most situations, and pride myself on being the calm in the storm. But even I lose it once in while, and I am not a good model (of calmness, not designer glasses).

I saw myself in action yesterday. I was working with a student who was one of those guys who working with feels like working with molasses. Angry, angry, molasses. He was so slow in his processing, and that made him really mad and want to give up. I tried to model enthusiasm and put on a “learning party” to fool him into thinking testing was fun. I even called testing “activities” and then he called me out on it and said, “These aren’t activities! You lied! These are tests!” I managed to get through about 45 minutes of testing before my Oscar ™ performance for Best Actress in a Pretending this is Fun Role was done. We agreed to reconvene after a break, mostly for me.

After the break, he was worse. And I had the most slow-moving test in the world left to give (TAPS-3, anyone?). It’s torture. For me. And I think he knew that. But I had to do it that day, because of course, the IEP meeting was in 2 days and I had driven about 30 miles to work with the kid. I couldn’t give up.

Unfortunately, my exasperation was contagious. I initially presented it as a task he had to “just get through to be done forever with my activities” and he ended up falling asleep during the sound blending task. Like, snoring asleep. I woke the young man up, and proceeded with my Oscar ™ worthy performance that he had just slept through the BEST PART! And you know what? He totally finished it and said at the end that it was “kinda fun.” So the moral of the story is if you approach testing as drudgery, you model that testing is a drag, and the kid responds. Model enthusiasm and their mind-set shifts. And if you are bored or unenthusiastic about testing, especially if it is the test that makes you want to cry every time you have to give it for the squillienth time, fake it ‘till you make it.

And the Oscar goes to….The lady in the Burberry specs.

Beware the Ides of March...

I wrote this post in my head at about 4am this Saturday morning, when I awoke with anxiety about next school year. The past few weeks, every teacher’s lounge and every staff meeting has been doom-and-gloom about the state of our school district’s education budget being slashed. Symbolically, every March 15th, in budget shortfall years, staff get “you might be laid off” letters. This year, we may lose some school psychologists for the first time in my 9 years in the profession. It’s bad, people.

I may even be laid off due to an administrative rule that puts me in the same category as a first year employee, despite 9 years of experience. I switched districts and I worked part time some of my years, so basically none of my years count in seniority. Awesome. The way layoffs go down in a school district is not by performance, evaluations, or any other reasonable criteria, but by “last hired, first fired” or in my case, “let go because you worked part time a few years.” Some of the most talented teachers I know are in their first or second years in the profession, and they are the first to be cut.

So friends, I sincerely hope that I don’t have to change the name of my blog from “Notes from the School Psychologist Blog” to “Notes from the Former School Psychologist Who Now Works in the Private Sector with no Health Insurance but Still Believes in Public Education and Can’t Work There With Kids Who Need it Blog.” Not as catchy.

Even if I am spared my job, the budget picture is bleak. My school principals have had to cut most support staff. That means that my placement at my middle school would be only four hours a week and my placement at my elementary school would also be a whopping four hours. Goodbye counseling services, goodbye teacher and parent consultation, parent support groups, counseling groups, prevention activities, and all the things I love. Hello testing one kid, writing a report, going to a meeting and leaving. I will be sad to tell my students I see in counseling that I can no longer see them. Sorry about your abandonment issues, poppits.

My schools have also had to cut all supply budgets. No copier repair funds, no supplies. What enrages me is that I bet Goldman Sachs has never spent a day without a functioning copier or pens and pencils. I bet the Bank of America CEO and his cronies have never had to share one pen with three other people in a cramped janitor’s closet. Why can we bail out the foolios who got us in the recession and turn our backs on the students and teachers? Oh, and how much are we spending in Afghanistan again? Ah that’s right 6.7 billion per month. Do you know what California schools could do with just one month of the war budget? I rarely get all political on this blog, but I see how our kids and school staff will be suffering at no fault of their own, and I have a deep sense of sadness and anger.

I wish I could put a more positive spin on this post. All I can do is to encourage anyone who lives in a city where there will be a special election about funding for schools, please, please, I beg you to get your family and friends to vote for a small increase in tax to keep public schools functioning. I just hope our neighbors aren't penny-wise and pound-foolish. Investment in smaller class sizes, mental health professionals, quality teachers, and supplies to learn prevents school failure and the high cost of special education, not to mention the societal cost of drop out.

As for the Ides of March, I will be stalking the mailman on the 15th to see if I have been stabbed in the back 23 times by the Congress, just like Julius Caesar. Stay tuned...