Lessons From My Tea: Experience

Disclaimer: A wood chipping truck is chopping up a tree at 5:45am this fine Monday morning, so I am up early. This post may be full of incoherent babbling as I drink my morning tea. Thanks, tree trimmer people.

I have spoke before about my wise tea. No, I don’t mean I read tea leaves, I mean I read the cute little sayings on the tea bag string. Good clarification. Today’s tea told me:

Experience is not always the kindest of teachers, but it is surely the best

Amen, Red Rooibus African Tea.

As some of you know from my Facey Face page or Twitter, I did a presentation this past weekend for a group of teachers on strategies for working with students with learning or attention disabilities. The teacher group was near Santa Barbara, so I flew from the Bay Area down to LA and drove.* When I arrived in LA, it was like 8 at night, so I cruised on over to the school in like an hour an a half. Easy breezy!

On my return trip, I got up at 7am (seems like sleeping in after this morning’s debacle) and I drove back from Santa Barbara to LA. I allotted myself 2 hours to get to the airport. I mean, just add a half hour to account for morning traffic, right? And I die. It took me over 3 hours to get through LA traffic to the airport and I nearly missed my flight and had to pay for an extra DAY on the rental car to the tune of $118. Gak! So, it turns out that between 7-10 am in LA, you can only go a mile an hour and the rental car people are evil and rigid. Lesson learned. Now I have that experience to file away. Not a kind experience, but a powerful one.

So what experiences do our students have that are painful, but great experiences? As my tea mentioned before, we learn from our mistakes. I was in a classroom a few weeks ago where a teacher had a darling drawing of herself making a mistake and then whenever she made a mistake in the class, she would make a tally mark and point it out as a learning opportunity. I. Love. It.

I am always telling teachers and parents to model making mistakes and their thought processes as they fix their mistakes. It is such a great lesson for our kids that it is okay to make mistakes. Unfortunately, in some school climates, mistakes are not welcome to the ego. I have seen 8 year olds crumble up their artwork because its not perfect, or get so upset that their pencil doesn’t have an eraser because it shows that they made a mistake.

So in addition to modeling making mistakes and being explicit that mistakes are how we learn, what else can we do to help perfectionistic kids? Well, I’m glad you asked.

Ahem. My name is Rebecca, and I am a recovering perfectionist.**

Invisible Crowd in My Mind: Hi, Rebecca.

First, let me share a tale. It’s a tale of a young girl who was a first year school psychologist. In her first year, she royally messed up about every 10 minutes. Now, coming from a super high achieving academic background (I’m gonna get my Ph.D. by age 27 at UC Berkeley!), this was one of those times in which she could have used some tea advice about how mistakes are how we learn. But it is really hard to make mistakes that may impact student’s lives, or cost the district $100,000 (oops!), or make you look like a dumba$% in parent meetings with advocates and lawyers pointing out your faults, or my favorite, (detailed in The Teachable Moment introduction), trying to conduct a whole group lesson for 6th graders on what constitutes “lewd and lascivious conduct.”

**Shudder.** Experience hurts.

The best book I read about counteracting perfectionism and being okay with your own mistakes was written by Carol Dweck, called Mind Set: The New Psychology of Success. I wish I had read it in 2001, but it wasn't out yet. I actually wouldn’t recommend purchasing it now, because it gets to be redundant, but the point stuck. I’ll save you $24.95 ( or $32.00 if you are in Canada):

Having a growth mindset is one of the best ways to be successful and shed perfectionism.

A “growth mindset” is knowing that talents can be developed and that great abilities are built over time. It allows room for, if not emphasizes, that mistakes are inherent in learning. Perfectionists tend to not have this mindset naturally—they think that success should show up on its own, before any learning takes place. It’s about immediate, and effortless perfection. Perfectionists tend to have a “fixed mindset” in which you believe your talents and abilities are set in stone—either you have them, or you don’t. In that case, you have to prove to yourself over and over again, and are constantly trying to look smart and talented without effort or mistakes. She did one study where she primed the kids for a growth mindset (before a math test, they studied mathematicians who didn’t have natural talent, but became great) or a fixed mindset (before the math test, studied mathematicians who were “naturally” talented). The kids primed for a growth mindset did better, even though they had the same skills as the fixed mindset kids.

The good news is that Dweck demonstrates that mindset is learned and can be modified with effort. Practical applications for parents and teachers include:

1) Have a growth mindset about the student’s abilities, and share stories of people who worked hard to become experts at a task or talent. Share your own stories of how you improved with practice. See: How I learned to be a better hip hop dancer through specific feedback about stankyness.

2) Praise effort, not ability. Instead of “You are so smart in math!” (Implication: you have to demonstrate you are so smart in math that you don’t make mistakes), say “Look how hard you are working on those math problems!” (Implication: effort pays off, and you can grow your math skills)

3) Focus on the student’s personal best, rather than the being the best in the class. Also, don’t let kids compare themselves to someone who has been doing a task for a long time. Kids sometimes say things like, “You’re a better artist, you draw it.” That inappropriate yardstick will set up a perfectionist to feel like a failure at age 8. My response? “I have been practicing how to draw for a long time. It’s your turn to practice!”

Okay, peeps, my alarm just went off telling me it is time to get up, and my tea is not cutting it for me this early morning. Experience should have told me that coffee is the only way. Please excuse me. Enjoy your week!

*I never present in ugly cities. Or attend conferences in cold places. Spoiled? Yes.
**Sound familiar? You may like the post, My Name is Rebecca and I am a Recovering Procrastinator. Also related, Procrastination is spelled wrong in the labels on the side and it bugs me but I can't fix it. Mistakes are okay....mistakes are okay....

Procrastination

Dr. Bell: My name is Dr. Bell. And I’m a recovering procrastinator.
Imaginary Crowd: Hi Dr. Bell!

I used to procrastinate. Big time. It started in high school, when I’d somehow wait until midnight to start an essay that was due the next day. Sometimes, it was worse than that. At midnight I’d start the Cliff’s Notes of a book that I had to write a paper on for the next day.* I convinced myself I work best under pressure and that I was most alert at night.

In college, I found one million things to do before studying. Usually, it involved socializing. I also convinced myself that I was in a “study group” during said socialization.

In grad school, especially during the dissertation years, my procrastination took the form of cleaning. During the disseration writing, my house was always immaculate. I think I even alphabetized my spices, which is harder than it sounds. Do you put black pepper under B or P? I convinced myself that I couldn’t work in a messy environment. My roommates loved me for this.

I don’t know when the change began, but I stopped procrastinating. It probably coincided with getting a job in the school district. But why? A big part of my job is writing, just like in school. It makes sense that if I’m a procrastinator, I would still put off writing reports until the last minute. But I have become disciplined. I know I write best in the morning and set aside 2 hours every morning to write, no matter what. And it works. I’ve never worked at midnight the night before a meeting. How did I recover?

I was reading up on some research on procrastination and was surprised to consistently see it paired with perfectionism, protecting one’s academic self-worth, and fear of failure. Apparently, it’s more than just a bad habit.

The idea is this: Procrastination is a win-win situation for your ego. If you put off studying until the last minute and you do poorly on a test, then you can blame the poor grade on lack of studying. If you happen to do well on the test, then you can pat yourself on the back for being smart enough to do well without studying. I suppose a third option is you attribute it to luck because it was an easy test, but that doesn't really hurt your ego either. I remember doing this in high school. I read the Cliff’s Notes for The Great Gatsby the night before and got a B on the essay the next day.** I congratulated myself on my ability to b.s. through any writing assignment.

Procrastination can also be the result of being fearful of being unable to complete a task perfectly, or not completing tasks because there is always room for improvement. I had a client once who refused to write anything because he was afraid it wouldn't be any good. I see this with gifted kids sometimes. A gifted child may refuse to do activities rather than risk failing to achieve a superior level of performance.

So what does the research say to do about Procrastination?

*** Four Days Elapse ***

Oh Delicious Irony! I started this post on Tuesday and then realized I needed to clean my house top to bottom for a house guest this weekend and put off finishing my post on procrastination. House looks great. Now I can work.

So what does the research say to do about Procrastination?

1) Evaluate your procrastinating style. Do you procrastinate on certain types of tasks? Do you procrastinate at certain times of day? When are you most productive? Are you afraid of doing something less than perfect? Is the task too overwhelming so it is avoided? Do you think you work better under pressure? Are you putting things off because you don’t want to do the task or because you have too much other stuff on your plate? Are you truly procrastinating or are you prioritizing? Did I need to clean my house, or was I putting off the work of finding all the research on procrastinating and trying to synthesize it into witty blog entry? A good clue you are procrastinating is if you are doing X and should be doing Y, and can’t stop thinking about how you should be doing X.

2) Challenge your myths. For example, maybe you don’t need a spotless apartment to begin a writing task. You really need a writing tool and a place to sit and that’s about it. Maybe you do work well under pressure. So then set a time limit for yourself (I will write this paragraph in ½ hour, or I will finish all these math problems/paying bills/whatever before my favorite show on TV).

3) Get an anti-procrastination “coach” such as a friend, roommate, or family member who is supportive. Tell them about your goals and timeline and ask them to determine whether your plan is realistic. Then once a twice a week, email with this person on your progress. If you slip up and don’t do your “homework” than talk about it and see what went wrong (see #1). Be careful in selecting “Study Buddies.” I know if I want to get stuff done, there are those that facilitate that and those who do not.

4) Try the TIC-TOC technique. TIC stands for Task Interfering Cognitions. These are things that get in the way of you or a student starting a task. An example of this may be, “I have all those letters to write tonight” or “I can put off writing those letters until later when I’m in the mood.” The problem with TICs is the thinking trap it creates—that you must do ALL or NONE of the work, or that you must be in the mood to work (emotional reasoning). This leads to avoidance behaviors because the task can seem too big to start and you may never be in the mood to start.

Replace your TIC with a TOC, A TOC is a Task Oriented Cognition. An example to counteract the previous statements could be “I don’t have to do ALL those letters tonight, but I’d probably feel better if I did at least 1,” or “I don’t have to be in the mood to get started. Once I get started I’ll probably feel more like doing it.”

5) If you are procrastinating a writing assignment, try these tips for Writer’s Block.

6) Break down the assignment or task into smaller components. Make a list of the sub-tasks needed and reward yourself when you complete each part. When I was in school, I sometimes tricked myself into thinking I had “all semester” to finish a research project. Writing down all the things that go into said research project can be an eye opener. Try setting mini-deadlines on a calendar in a backward planning technique (e.g. this week I will explore research topics, next week I will look at good examples of research projects, the next I will meet with my advisor and run my topic by her, etc.). Then when it comes to the end of the semester you aren’t scouring the Internet and throwing something together. And as you do each step, cross it off your list, because then you can see you have started the project and made some strides.

7) Nike approach. Just do it. Tell yourself you will work on your project for 15 minutes. Chances are, once you get started, you may just get in a groove and work longer.

*I highly recommend the Cliff’s Notes for Don Quixote. They are funny. I’m told the book is too.
**I did spell Gatsby wrong throughout the entire essay. An unfortunate side effect of my procrastination is that I still have to look up if it’s Gatsby or Gatspy to this day. Should have read the book.